Originally posted on May 9th:
It sucks…it sucks to be the bigger person but it sucks only for a little bit because as time heals you know you didn’t do anything wrong and in this case I honestly have gone above and beyond what a normal good person would do.
I won’t lie…I was in tears last night worst probably than the day he broke up with me…and those tears weren’t because of a bruised ego or feeling rejected they were because Kieran is who I feared he was going to end up being. He just isn’t caring person. He “cares” and he can vocalize ‘my bad’ pretty damn well but he has no remorse what so ever for anything he has said or done to me and everyone else in that matter.
He stuck by “his own side” and justified everything and then told me that I would be disappointed with him as a friend and if I needed to ‘hate’ him then that was fine. I was upset and wanted to do so…I have every reason to but instead I texted him to call me when he got a chance and he did. In that conversation I told him, yes you have done horrible things, but I am NOT going to hate you. I do not hate, it is horrible…it is energy and you care if you hate. I didn’t tell him this because I didn’t find it necessary but in the end I don’t want to care enough about him to even hate him. What I did say is that I probably will never understand why he is wired the way he is but I’m not going to hate him for it. He was very appreciative and probably in the sociopathic way of just having that relief that I’m not going to wish ill-will on him. He can take it as he wants because that is what he does.
I just don’t want that sort of person in my life, in any shape, way or form. He is poison. He is hurtful and I’m walking away from it. I am choosing to not listen to his excuses or even bring up things to him and give him the opportunity to hear his excuses, that is just how he is. He takes what he needs and leaves when he does and feels ‘bad’ then speaks out of his ass and hopes everything will be ‘cool’. It’s not ‘cool’ but like I’ve said I will not hate him for it.
It’s like trying to make a pig fly…he’s not capable of being a caring person, not even 1/2 of a caring person…and he’s admitted it to me and shown it to me. He knows he’s fucked up and he’s really amazingly lucky that none of us have just socked him the face and that we all (well most of us) have just said, “The hell with you then, bro.”
He told me the only person he’s ever really lied to was me (which is definitely not true), because he wanted to appear to be the best person he is and realizes he isn’t. That is so sad to me… that he’s that fucked up where he can’t be himself with one of the most forgiving and understanding people he’ll ever meet. That he’s so fucked up to really good people that really cared for him at one point. If I were him (which I realize I’m not)…I’d hate myself…I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. The fact that he can and is okay is freaky to me. It really is…but what I’m happy about is that I took the HIGH road and will continue on this road.
Good riddance, Kieran. I am so done with you…and I feel deeply sorry for the people that have ‘no choice’ but to have you in their lives. You are truly a piece of work…have fun living with yourself because I know I can live my life to the fullest and happiest, free of your shit, your lies, baggage, issues and narcissism. You are and will probably be the worst person I have and will ever know and the only sad thing is how much I trusted in you.
sanslimites